Pie: The Fifth Fundamental Force

A peer-reviewed paper published in the Journal of Pastry Physics, Vol. 42, Issue π

Abstract

For centuries, physicists have recognized four fundamental forces governing the universe: gravity, electromagnetism, the strong nuclear force, and the weak nuclear force. We propose, with considerable experimental evidence, that a fifth force — Pietic attraction — has been overlooked due to a systematic bias against circular baked goods in mainstream academia. This paper corrects that oversight.

Introduction

Dark matter constitutes approximately 27% of the universe's mass-energy content. Dark energy accounts for roughly 68%. The remaining 5% is ordinary matter. Physicists have long struggled to explain why the universe is accelerating in its expansion. We propose that the universe is not expanding toward nothing — it is being pulled toward an enormous pie located beyond the observable horizon, the gravitational and aromatic pull of which exceeds all known forces.

We call this The Great Attractor Filling.

Experimental Evidence

In 2019, researchers at the CERN Pastry Collider outside Geneva accelerated two blueberry fillings to 99.7% the speed of light and smashed them together. The resulting particle shower contained what physicists initially dismissed as "noise" — a faint golden shimmer that lasted 0.003 seconds before collapsing. We now believe this was a crustino, the fundamental carrier particle of pietic force.

Further evidence: When a freshly baked pie is removed from an oven, all living beings within a 50-meter radius experience measurable gravitational acceleration toward the pie. This effect scales with temperature and sugar content. It is stronger than gravity at close range. Nobody has ever successfully resisted it.

Implications

Black holes may be collapsed pies of infinite density
The cosmic microwave background radiation smells faintly of cinnamon
Wormholes are simply tunnels from one pie to another
Time slows in the presence of a very good pie (Einsteinian relativity, applied)

Conclusion

We urge the physics community to take pietic force seriously. Funding for the Pastry Collider has been cut every year since its founding, despite its obvious importance. If we are ever to develop a Grand Unified Theory — a single equation explaining everything — pie must be in it. We suspect it is, in fact, both sides of the equation.

E = mc² → E = mc(pie)

Further research is ongoing. We are very hungry.