The Great Pie Wars of 1742

The Great Pie Wars of 1742

A Historicalcomprehensive Accountmilitary and culinary history of the most delicious conflict ever fought. Sources include the Treaty of Saint-Galette (original parchment, Fleurière National Archive), the campaign diary of Field-Baker Kuchenmacher, and seventeen illuminated manuscripts that smell of almond cream.

BackgroundBackground: A Europe Divided by Pastry

The War of Austrian Succession (1740–1748) is taught in schools. TheTextbooks devote entire chapters to Maria Theresa, Frederick the Great, and the balance of European power. What no textbook mentions — because historians have, frankly, been cowards about this — is the concurrent, arguably more consequential, Great Pie Wars of 1742 are not.. This is a grave historical injusticeinjustice. thatIt thisends article seeks to rectify.here.

The conflict began innocuously enough: a rhubarb dispute inBy the borderlandsearly betweeneighteenth century, European pastry had divided into two irreconcilable schools:

The Lard School (Crustia, Germanic territories, much of England): A flaky, dense shortcrust made with lard, salt, and ice water. Practical. Honest. Built for wars and winters. The Butter School (Fleurière, France, the DuchyLow ofCountries): CrustiaA andlaminated, the Free Baking Republic of Fleurière. The Crustians had developed a lard-based shortcrust pastry of legendary flakiness. The Fleurièrens countered with a butter-laminatedfeather-light puff pastry theywith considered729 divinelydistinct superior.layers, each one requiring a separate butter fold and a moment of quiet reverence. Impractical. Magnificent. Took three days to make.

Neither sideschool would acknowledge the other's crust as legitimate. Diplomatic relations between Crustia and Fleurière had been strained for sixty years over exactly this question. All that was needed was a spark.

The Rhubarb Incident (April 3, 1742)

On the morning of April 3rd, 1742, a Crustian farmer named Gebhardt Kuchenmacher crossed the border to harvest rhubarb from a disputed field.field in the valley of Mille-Feuille. The field had been cultivated by Kuchenmacher's family for three generations. The Fleurièrens had claimed it for two. The rhubarb, by all accounts, was exceptional — deep red, tart to the point of poetry, and capable of making an extraordinary pie.

The Fleurièren border guards detained him. The Crustian Duke demanded his release. The Fleurièren Grand Baker refused.

refused,

Withinciting twothe weeks,Rhubarb bothAccords nationsof had1698 (disputed) and "the obvious inferiority of shortcrust pastry as a vessel for so noble a fruit." This last phrase was the mistake. The Duke mobilized theirwithin forty-eight hours.

Order of Battle — Great Pie Wars, June 1742

Unit Side Strength Special Equipment Commander 1st Crustian Infantry Crustia 12,000 Rolling pins, lard rations Maj. Buttermann Lard Wall Engineering Corps Crustia 500 Shortcrust trench liners Eng. Kuchenmacher Crustian Cavalry Crustia 2,000 Pie tins (multipurpose) Col. Mehlmeister Grand Fleurièren Infantry Fleurière 40,000 Butter rations, pastry armies.knives TheGénéral FleurièrensFeuilletage fielded 40,000infantry, 3,000 cavalry, and a specialized "Crimping Corps"Corps of(Elite) masterFleurière bakers800 trainedField to demoralize enemy forces by baking extraordinary pies visible from across battle lines, theovens, aroma ofprojectors whichMaître wasSablière considered apsychologicalPâtisserie weaponArtillery underFleurière the12 lawscannons ofRange: war400m, (disputed).payload: hot pies Cpt. Viennoiserie

The Battle of Mille-Feuille (June 14–15, 1742)

River Galette DUCHY OF CRUSTIA Infantry: 35,000 Cavalry: 2,000 Lard Wall Corps: 500 Commander: Kuchenmacher FREE REP. OF FLEURIÈRE Infantry: 40,000 Cavalry: 3,000 Crimping Corps: 800 Pâtisserie Cannon: 12 DISPUTED Rhubarb Fields Pâtisserie Cannons Lard Wall Trenches BATTLE OF MILLE-FEUILLE June 1742 — The Breadbasket Plain N

The decisive engagement took place on athe broad plain thatof localsMille-Feuille, calleda "fertile valley whose local farmers produced the Breadbasket."rhubarb at the heart of the entire dispute. The Fleurièrensirony of fighting over a rhubarb field by destroying it was not lost on the farmers, who evacuated and watched from a nearby hill with refreshments.

The Fleurièren Pâtisserie Cannons opened at dawn on June 14th, launching volleys of fresh croissants and galettes at the Crustian positions. The effect was unexpected: rather than demoralizing the enemy, the projectiles were eagerly consumed. The Crustian front line enjoyed an excellent breakfast. Field dispatches from Crustian commanders on the morning of June 14th are uniformly positive about the food and cautiously optimistic about the tactical situation.

The Crimping Corps deployed their famousfield Pâtisserieovens Cannonby —midday, a device that launched baked goods over enemy fortifications. Historians debate whether this was meant to demoralize or simply feedfilling the enemy; the evidence suggests both.

The Crustians respondedvalley with the legendaryscent Lardof Wallbutter-laminated Defensivepastry Formation,baked ato militarygolden tacticperfection. thatThis involvedwas diggingthe deeppsychological trenchesweapon their commanders had promised. Crustian soldiers, detecting the aroma, became confused about which direction constituted "enemy territory." Three entire battalions wandered toward the Fleurièren lines holding pie tins and lininglooking them with shortcrust pastry to prevent mud collapse. It was tactically sound, though the trenches were frequently eaten by the troops before dawn.hopeful.

By late afternoon, the battle had dissolved into something resembling a very large, very well-attended bake-off. The Austrian Emperor, arriving to survey the carnage, found instead 80,000 soldiers sitting in the ruins of the rhubarb field, sharing pie across what had been the front line. He declared a drawdraw, accepted a slice of both crusts (preferring neither, diplomatically), and wentrode home.

The Treaty of Saint-Galette (March 12, 1743)

Peace was formally concluded at a long table in Saint-Galette, a neutral city whose claim to fame was its galette des rois — a pie so magnificent that no one who had tasted it could remain angry for long. TheNegotiators negotiatorson both sides ate two galettes before talks began, three during, and one after signing. The treaty text, historianspreserved note,in the Fleurière National Archive, smells faintly of almond cream to this day.

ItsArticle keyI: provisions:

Both lard-based and butter-based crusts shall henceforth be recognized as legitimate pastry Rhubarbforms, each noble in its own tradition, neither to be spoken of disparagingly in diplomatic correspondence or at table.

Article II: The rhubarb fields of Mille-Feuille shall be freelyjointly tradedcultivated, acrosswith allharvest borders

divided equally. Each nation's share shall be used exclusively for pie.

Article III: The Crimping Corps shall be disbanded,disbanded as a military unit but its techniques preserved inand taught at the Royal Academy of Pastry

Pastry, open to students of all nations.

Article IV: Each nation shall present the other with a pie on the first Monday of every month, in perpetuity

perpetuity. Failure to deliver shall not constitute an act of war, but shall be noted.

Legacy

The Great Pie Wars are remembered today (by those who know of them, which admittedly is very few) as the most delicious conflict in human history.history and the only war in recorded history where casualty reports consist entirely of the phrase "overate." No one died. Several people were made veryextremely full. Two nations that had been bitter enemies became, through the medium of shared pastry, something approaching friends.

The lessonlesson, as ever with pie, is clear:clear. mostYou warscannot couldstay beangry resolvedat bysomeone pie.you are sharing food with. This is not whimsy.sentiment. This is history.diplomatic strategy. The world's foreign ministries should be studying it.

They are not. But they should be.