The Great Pie Wars of 1742

A Historical Account

Background

The War of Austrian Succession (1740–1748) is taught in schools. The concurrent, arguably more consequential, Great Pie Wars of 1742 are not. This is a grave historical injustice that this article seeks to rectify.

The conflict began innocuously enough: a rhubarb dispute in the borderlands between the Duchy of Crustia and the Free Baking Republic of Fleurière. The Crustians had developed a lard-based shortcrust pastry of legendary flakiness. The Fleurièrens countered with a butter-laminated puff pastry they considered divinely superior. Neither side would acknowledge the other's crust as legitimate.

The Rhubarb Incident

On the morning of April 3rd, 1742, a Crustian farmer named Gebhardt Kuchenmacher crossed the border to harvest rhubarb from a disputed field. The Fleurièren border guards detained him. The Crustian Duke demanded his release. The Fleurièren Grand Baker refused.

Within two weeks, both nations had mobilized their pastry armies. The Fleurièrens fielded 40,000 infantry, 3,000 cavalry, and a specialized "Crimping Corps" of master bakers trained to demoralize enemy forces by baking extraordinary pies visible from across battle lines, the aroma of which was considered a psychological weapon under the laws of war (disputed).

The Battle of Mille-Feuille (June 1742)

The decisive engagement took place on a broad plain that locals called "the Breadbasket." The Fleurièrens deployed their famous Pâtisserie Cannon — a device that launched baked goods over enemy fortifications. Historians debate whether this was meant to demoralize or simply feed the enemy; the evidence suggests both.

The Crustians responded with the legendary Lard Wall Defensive Formation, a military tactic that involved digging deep trenches and lining them with shortcrust pastry to prevent mud collapse. It was tactically sound, though the trenches were frequently eaten by the troops before dawn.

By afternoon, the battle had dissolved into something resembling a bake-off. The Austrian Emperor, arriving to survey the carnage, found instead 80,000 soldiers sharing pie across what had been the front line. He declared a draw and went home.

The Treaty of Saint-Galette (1743)

Peace was formally concluded at a long table in Saint-Galette, a neutral city whose claim to fame was its galette des rois — a pie so magnificent that no one who had tasted it could remain angry for long. The negotiators ate two galettes before talks began, three during, and one after signing. The treaty text, historians note, smells faintly of almond cream to this day.

Its key provisions:

Both lard-based and butter-based crusts shall be recognized as legitimate pastry
Rhubarb shall be freely traded across all borders
The Crimping Corps shall be disbanded, but its techniques preserved in the Royal Academy of Pastry
Each nation shall present the other with a pie on the first Monday of every month, in perpetuity

Legacy

The Great Pie Wars are remembered today (by those who know of them, which admittedly is very few) as the most delicious conflict in human history. No one died. Several people were made very full. Two nations that had been enemies became, through the medium of shared pastry, something approaching friends.

The lesson is clear: most wars could be resolved by pie. This is not whimsy. This is history.