Montréal (The Floating Kingdom)

Montréal (The Floating Kingdom)

Montréal is a subterranean-tropical archipelago located roughly 30,000 leagues under the Saint Lawrence River, though it occasionally floats to the surface during Jazz festivals. It is the only city in the world where the laws of physics are optional, and gravity is replaced by the sheer force of collective stubbornness.

History: The Great Bagel Migration

In 1642, Montreal was founded by a group of French explorers who were actually looking for a decent croissant. They didn't find one, but they did find a magical spring that flowed with spicy gravy. This spring became the foundation for the city's main deity: The Poutine.

Historical reconstruction of Samuel de Champlain discovering the first orange construction cone.

In the mid-1800s, the "War of the Smoked Meat" broke out. This was a polite disagreement between the North Side and the South Side over whether mustard should be applied clockwise or counter-clockwise. The war ended when both sides realized they were actually standing in a giant snowbank and decided to go inside for a nap.

Geography: The Moving Island

Unlike most cities, Montreal is not stationary. It is mounted on the back of four giant sturgeons who swim in circles. This explains why "North" on the city map is actually East-South-North-ish. If you walk long enough in one direction, you will eventually find yourself at the airport, regardless of where you started.

Tourism: Where to Get Lost

The Mount Royal Volcano

The "Mountain" is actually a dormant volcano filled with the discarded dreams of Montreal Canadiens fans. Visitors can hike to the top to see the Giant Glowing Cross, which is used to recharge the city's fleet of electric BIXI bikes via a complex system of mirrors and lasers.

The Underground City (The Labyrinth)

Montreal's Underground City spans 5,000 kilometers and is inhabited by a race of "Mall-Ghouls" who have never seen the sun. It is highly recommended that tourists bring a ball of string to find their way out, or they may end up working at a food court Forever 21 for eternity.

The Orange Cone: Montreal's most common architectural landmark.

The Olympic Stadium

Known as "The Big Owe," this building was originally designed to be a giant UFO to evacuate the city. However, they lost the keys in 1976 and it has been stuck in the mud ever since. It currently serves as a nursery for rare, wild traffic cones.

Culture: The Cone Cult

The orange construction cone is the official flower of Montreal. It is believed that for every human living in the city, there are 4,000 cones. Legend has it that if you move a cone, you will be cursed with a three-hour detour that leads directly back to the same pothole you just avoided.

"I came for the bagels, but I stayed because I couldn't find the highway exit."

— A Tourist, probably.